Just be friends
by TheLlamaArmada628
Summary: Rin is diagnosed with a mysterious disease that will leave him unable to swim, he quickly returns to Japan to kick start his dream and beat Haru. Things become complicated when his feelings for Haru surface. Deciding it better if he breaks it off with them to spare all of them the pain, he starts slowly distancing himself. Will his plan work as planned? RinHaru, slight MakoHaru.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys, this is my first Free! Fanc fic, new to this fandom, so excuse any OOCness. Reviews will make me super happy and I'll continue, my rule is if there's at least 2 reviews then I'll continue. I hope you enjoy! If any questions or comments or confusion, feel free to PM me anytime!**

**I no own Free! Iwatobi Swim Club**

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><p><strong>Rin convinced himself that he can't be around them anymore. Haru knows Rin's hiding something from him. Rei is tired of all the drama. Nagisa is confused. And Makoto has become rivals with Rin. Angsty!Rin, Sassy!Rei…mentions of suicidal thoughts,and overall feels-ish stuff.<strong>

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><p>"It's painfully obvious you're watching him." Rei emerged on the rooftop overlooking the pool.<p>

"Hn, I'm watching _all_ of you idiots." Rin grunted and ignored Rei, and kept an eye on his friends, they had been hanging out when Rin had excused himself suddenly. Rei could long tell that there was something still bothering Rin, thus bothering the rest of his teammates.

"I don't get it…all the drama, could've been avoided. Why don't you just tell him how you feel?" Rei deadpanned.

"Why don't you mind your own damn business? If you can't tell, I don't exactly like you." His voice was warning him not to tread any further into the subject, but statistically Rei had nothing to lose, besides a bruised face, and he could deal with that later.

"That's clear as water, but they are my friends too. They want you around, and it's kind of sad to see them this way. At least give a reasonable excuse, then I will leave you to your 'watching'. You owe me that much."Rei sighed.

"I don't have to explain a damn thing to you! I didn't ask you to fucking give up your spot, okay? You came to me! So don't act like you were worried about me!" Rin snapped.

"You're right, I wasn't worried about you, I was worried about Haruka-senpai. I think…if I dare say, he may reciprocate your feelings." Rei smirked as if he deduced the biggest mystery of them all.

"Cheh, what do you know? You tell Nagisa yet?" Rin raised a brow at the underclassman.

"W-what do you mean? What about Nagisa?" Rei looked confused.

"Oh you blind bastard, don't come to me about my love life when you have none!" Rin hissed.

"So you do love Haruka-senpai!" He chuckled mildly happy that his conclusion was right.

"What about it!" Rin yelled. "You gonna mock me for liking a guy! I don't like guy_s_! I just like him, one guy, that's all, I'm not…I'm not gay!"Rin realized how gay he sounded and ended up making it sound worse. He innerly scolded himself for making it sound like he was a hypocritical homophobe.

"I am not a homophobe, Rin-san. I go both ways myself. I don't find limiting yourself to one sex beneficial, I never wanted kids." Rei corrected him, pushing up his glasses.

"Too much damn information."Rin scooted away from Rei.

"I do find Nagisa quite attractive now that you mention it…"

"Fuck! Too much! Your just like Nitori, just be quiet!"

"Tell me your reasons, then. Or im going to go into detail."Rin had underestimated how cunning the bluenette was, he definitely did not want a mental image of the small blonde sexually at all!

"You wouldn't."Rin challenged.

"No one is around to hear but you."Rei shrugged.

"FU_Fine! Take a good look at him."Rin gave in, realizing he's trapped. Rin and Rei had been away from the edge for a while, there's no way he could see what's happening.

Rei looked over and saw Makoto handing Haruka a towel.

"Yes?" Rei asked in confusion, Makoto is always taking care of Haruka, there was no epiphany or anything out of the norm.

"Makoto loves Haru too, I'm not going to get in between that. It'll ruin our friendship, plus I'm not going to be around for very long anyway. I just want to be friends for as long as we can." Rin's face looked distant and pained, the look of long hidden pain, something that could be easily covered and disguised as anger with his usual scowl.

"What do you mean? Are you transferring? You say that like you're dying or something." Rei said trying to get more information.

"I might as well." The silence grew thick when Rin finally turned to leave. "I'm going home, tell the others."

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><p><span><strong>Rin's POV<strong>

Damn that kid! Why the hell did he tell him? He could go off and tell the others! I'm so damn stupid! I took my anger out on a trashcan, damn it! That hurt! Calm down!

I was planning to distance myself someday…I just…we just repaired everything, things were great…why did it have to be now?

If they come up to me and as I'll have to tell them it's none of their business. The time for me to leave is coming…no matter how much I wish it wouldn't…and when it comes, I don't want them or anyone else to see me like that.

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><p><span><strong>Sydney Hospital, Austrailia (when Rin was in middle school)<strong>

"So as I see it you're very lucky kiddo. You have several years before it'll take effect." Dr. Jackman smiled.

"Oh, I see." Was all I could say…I was going to slowly lose control over my body, and become a vegetable? How I was even supposed to react to that? I felt totally fine! But here he was telling me something was wrong with me!

"Isn't there anything you can do?! He's so young! Maybe there's something that can be done?" Okaa-san was in tears, I wanted her to stop because then I would cry…and that would only make her even more dramatic.

"I'm afraid not, ma'am. Its neural anomaly, we only know what it does and what it looks like. All attempts at removing it had either killed or severely damaged the patient mentally. It's slow, he'll lose control from the feet up. Just one day you'll wake up and not be able to walk." He deadpanned, dropping his smile.

"Will I be able to talk?" I raised a brow, wow, not being able to move sucks and all but it will be far off, what else will affect me?

"Yeah, for some reason the neck up is unaffected, it's just your if it's any consolation, you'll be able to feel them…you just won't be able to move them. I'm sorry." Sorry? As long as I can still talk I'll be fine…I think?

"Yeah, it's not your fault." I jumped off the table. "Can I talk to my mom alone for a bit?"

"Yeah, take your time." He left quickly and quietly, and my mom sunk to her knees in tears.

"No! Not my baby! Why does all the men in my life die?!" She practically screamed, it wasn't even in English, she just lost it and started speaking Japanese. I didn't get it, I was going to be a be a vegetable, not die… I'll be fine, right?

"Mom, I'll still be here, just not able to move. And I have until I'm like what 21? 22?"

"That's when you're supposed to start living it isn't fair!" She wailed, while I rubbed her back.

"Come on, mom. You're acting like Gou, I'll be fine, okay? I'm just happy I have time to fulfill my dream!" I smiled, and she hugged me.

"You're so strong, just like your father. Is there anything you want? Anywhere you wanna go?" She asked, I felt bad dragging her all the way to Australia to study abroad, now she's asking if I want more? I can't…

"Someday, I want to go back to Japan. And... if it's alright if we still visit dad, like we planned?" I asked, she tried to smile but just ended up whimpering, if this is how mom reacts to it, Gou will be ten times worse, we better not tell her.

"Of course, we have to now. Why go back to Japan?" She asked, puzzled now.

_I want to see them…_

"When I enter the Olympics, I wanna represent Japan, of course!" I smiled giving her the thumbs up. Then it hit me…if I can't move, I can never swim again. Well, that sucks! 21 or 22, so I'll just be starting college! That means I'll have to be recognized while in high school! Geez! What does God have against me?!

Just then Gou opened the door, she was so small and already a crybaby, she claimed to hate me but always clung to me when others were around.

"So, what up Rin?" She stopped when she saw mom, she had needed to use the bathroom so she didn't hear the news, thank God.

"Oh look! Your face scared mom so bad that she cried!" I laughed, she puffed up her cheeks in annoyance. She'd be heartbroken, if she really understood. And she'd cling to me constantly, more than she already had. I just want everything to be normal, the way it was, as if this neural anoma-whatchamacallit never existed, it'll only distract me from my goal and make me bummed.

I just wanted to be strong for mom, I am the man of the family now. I can't cry and yell to the heavens how unfair this all is, like I wanted to.

I looked to Gou then mom, yes, I just want it all to be normal, so it'd all be okay. For them and me.

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><p>At first I didn't get why my mom was crying so hard, but now I know. The time for the illness to start affecting my body is coming closer. I'm scared, so fucking scared, I keep having nightmares about it. And every single touching moment, I have the urge to cry immediately knowing that this happiness can't last. I want to be content with what has happened so far but I can't. There's nothing I can do to stop it. And it will destroy be not only physically but mentally, even socially!<p>

I'll have no career after, what if it affects me before I get recognized? What if I don't get recognized at all? I'll be crippled and depressed, there won't be anything left for me but a lifetime of television, tears, and being a burden.

I often thought maybe…it'd be better if I didn't exist after the disease takes my legs. But before all that a childhood friend of mine has promised to house me and help me along far away from Haru ,Gou ,Makoto, and everyone else. I just don't want them to see me like this, it's sad, it'll make them sad, and it'll depress the fuck out of me for sure. I don't want their pity…it'd hurt me more than anything.

How could I ever think of telling Haru how I feel when I'm going to be leaving? I tried to distance myself by making an ass out of myself and challenging Haru, but they fucking forgave me and took me back in as if nothing had happened. I can't say I'm not glad it happened, I was so happy I could've died right there. But...I can't forgive myself for letting that accepting their friendship again, I'm leaving, I'm going to only hurt them even more. I don't want to burden anyone or hurt anyone ever again!

My phone beeped on the way home a text…from Haru.

_Mackerel: Rei told me what happened._

"I'll have to strangle that weirdo later…" I sighed, texting Haru back.

_Rin: Look Haru, I don't want to talk about it._

_Mackerel: Well I do._

"You're so damn stubborn." I 'tsked' and pocketed the phone, entering a convenient store for some grub.

I ignored the text when my phone rang several times.

_Rin: What?!_

_Mackerel: Don't transfer._

"He told him I was transferring? Can tell if the bastard was trying to be considerate or not, maybe I'll just punch him…" I texted back in curiosity.

_Rin: Why?_

_Mackerel: Because I might like you._

I couldn't resist the temptation and texted immediately.

_Rin: Might?_

Mackerel: Nevermind.

"Uh-uh, you Mackerel! Finish what you started!" I yelled, catching the eye of all the people in line for check out.

_Rin: Like water like? Or Makoto like?_

_Mackerel: Water like…I guess._

I shouldn't be disappointed but I am. Really? I guess, it wasn't meant to be, as long as he's happy…I'm not going to stop him.

_Rin: Oh._

_Mackerel:I have to go, mackerel is in danger of being burnt._

I smiled, an excuse to escape, huh? Well…I tried to recover our friendship with my usual sarcasm, as if this was a normal chat.

_Rin: Oh no. The world is ending._

_Mackerel: Shut up._

_Rin: You first._

_Mackerel: K, bye._

_Rin: Whatever._

I went home and laid on the bed, Gou was blasting some boy band songs in the room next door and mom was cooking…Mackerel, by the way it smelled. Damn, just can't escape, huh?

I closed my eyes trying to forget everything that was going to happen, so I'll avoid having to force myself to stay up in fear that when I wake up, I won't be able to get out of bed. When I heard my phone ring again.

_Mackerel: I like Makoto a lot, but water is something I can't live without, it's an obsession for me. I just don't want you to misunderstand. Sorry for the time._

My heart beat fast, he…might actually like me too? Damn it, no, Rin, just play it off. This isn't a confession. Y-you're just seeing what you want to see.

_Rin: Who can live without water? I got it, you want me to stay._

"It's best if you stay away, Haru. I'll break if you come any closer, and if I come any closer to you, I'll only break you." I sighed, listen to me, I sound sappy as fuck, what is the 'The Notebook'?!

_Mackerel: Don't do that. Don't play it off. I know what you're trying to do. Stop._

"I wish I could."


	2. Chapter 2

Okay guys, I'm kind everywhere right now trying to get into Rin with a neural anomaly, and it's kinda repetitive...and I know, but to a person (how I see it personally) you say/think things over and over to assure yourself of your reasons, but really your not sure why or don't want face it. So sorry for that, and yep there's a lot of texts, let me know if you like it or if it's annoying. Warning: Bad ass Nitori!

I no own Free! Iwatobi swim club so...yeah...Reviews would be greatly appreciated, and if you want me to explain or correct something don't be afraid to PM or review about it. I will answer:)

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><p><strong>Haru and I didn't see or speak to each other since then. I must've been successful at driving him away from me, it's not really what I wanted…no, what I wanted was completely different from what I'd done, but it was for his happiness not mine, and I'm good with that. Not only because I was left focused on being scouted, but for him, and for someone like me that's saying how much I love that damn dolphin...dolphins can't be with sharks…they should be with…what would Makoto be…an otter? Dolphins and Otters? No, maybe a orca, dolphins and orcas? Well I guess their both mammals.<strong>

**Wait, the fuck am I thinking about?!**

**Just then all my concentration was shattered by a 'Matsuoka, you have a minute?'. And he dropped the bomb, Mikoshiba-san had told me that I was going to become captain, I refused at first, this whole thing…joining the swim team, was for my own personal gain. With the exception of Nitori, who was my roommate, I didn't really know anyone else, like I do Haru, Makoto, and Nagisa. I didn't bother anymore with making friends, just a being on good terms and that's how it should be. I don't need to break anyone else. I was hoping that Nitori would forget all about me once I graduated and he probably would. But now I was the captain of the swim team. On one hand, it could make me stand out, but at the same time it stressed me to hell with how I become captain without becoming 'close' to my teammates.**

**I put a pillow over my face and cursed all the words that came to mind.**

**When a bright pair of upside down blue eyes were staring at me, which I thought was asleep.**

"**Matsuoka-senpai, are you okay?" Nitori asked, he was always looking to me like I was a superhero, and worries too much for me. It's nice, but it can get annoying… he practically screams 'notice me senpai'.**

"**Yeah." I sighed, my doing anything without Nitori knowing is close to impossible, he may look innocent but this kid is a genius. **

**In the locker room he once told the team he knows what your texting or what numbers you enter by the sound that each individual key makes. It was almost creepy and led everyone on the swim team to put their phones on silent.**

"**You're lying." He said quickly, but not yelling.  
>"I'm not going to talk to you about it." I turned away from him.<strong>

"**Oh I see…I may not have known you as long as Nanase-san but I care for you and I promised Tachibana-san, I'd keep an eye on you for them." Makoto's always doing shit like that…he thinks he has to take care of everyone, even me! Even though technically we were rivals for Haru, guys too nice, it's almost suspicious.**

"**Damn Makoto." I cursed him. "Look Nitori, I don't need a babysitter."**

"**I-I've seen what happens to people who keep their feelings to themselves… I_" He looked like he was going to start crying.**

"**Whoa! I am NOT suicidal." I rolled over to assure him. **_**Lies.**_

"**Not yet…just let me know before it's too late, let someone know." He said almost a whisper and retreated to turn over in his bed.**

**I did, you guys just don't know him.**

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><p>"<strong>You're kidding me, right?! That was the guy you kept talking about?!" His scout had shouted. "Not only did he shame his team for some silly friend quarrel, but he did better for Iwatobi then he did for his own team! And even worse the Samezuka was cheering for him!"<strong>

"**It's that Nanase guy…he's obsessed with him." Sousuke sighed, he had his scout come along to see Rin and Rin ended up doing worse than anything, and giving his all because of his obsession. **

_**That idiot only has a small window of hope left before time runs out! He's always let his feelings guide him.**_

**They had finished first though, Sousuke watched as his best friend embraced his obsession…crying? Nanase closed his eyes accepting it, but did not hug him back. Rin looked happy…**_**it's good that you're happy, but you still are on a tight schedule, idiot.**_

"**Hey, I going to transfer, if you need me I'll be at Samezuka Academy." I shook hands with his still raging recruiter and left.**

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><p><strong>There I was playing with a game on my phone, it's an old flip phone. I don't ever call or play with my phone a lot, so I decided to buy a game for it so I can use it as an excuse to use it, so my ma won't cancel my phone plan, I still need to text...So I bought Tetris and was about to beat the crap out of the first level when I was interrupted by a text message:<strong>

**Makoto****: **Guess what? Our old coach has re-opened the pool!

**Rin****: **That's cool, bet Haru is ecstatic.

**Makoto****: **Actually, he's in it as we speak.

**Rin****: **Typical. So why the text?

…

**Rin****: **Hello?

_**It really wasn't like Makoto to not finish or at least say why he's stop texting.**_

**Rin****: **Is everything okay over there?

**Makoto****: **Sorry, Haru was in the water too long, thought I would have to surface him.

**Rin****: **Idiot. He's gonna lose consciousness one of these days.

**Makoto****: **No worries, I'll save him if he does.

**Rin****: **I know that.

**Makoto**: Um, gotta talk to coach for awhile. Will text you back while walking home. K?

**Rin**: K

_**I certainly didn't wait for him to text back, I went to get some grub and found Nitori sleeping on the bunk. So I just played with my phone when his text came in about a hour after he said he'd text back.**_

**Makoto****: **So are you transferring?

**Rin****: **No. Glasses misunderstood.

**Makoto****: **He said either you were transferring or going to commit suicide. Is everything okay?

**Rin: **Just peachy, hey gotta go.

**Mackerel****: **If that doesn't sound like you avoiding subject, then I'm a dolphin.

**Gou****: **Haru! You blew our cover!

**Nagisa****: **But Haru-chan you are a dolphin!

**Makoto****: **Gou?! Nagisa?! Haru?! Why are you in this message?!

**555-261-2317****: **You tagged us in the message, honestly Makoto-senpai you really should be more observant.

**Makoto****: **Oh, the last time I texted Rin, it was the picture of all of us at the relay, forgot I tagged everyone. Sorry.

**Nagisa****: **REI! Where are you?!

**Rin****: **The fuck?! I'm turning my phone off.

**Mackerel****: **Running away again?

**Rin****: **Now's really not the time Haru.

**Makoto****: **Haru, Rin must be busy.

**Mackerel****: **He isn't.

**Rin****: **And how would you know that?

**Mackerel****: **You would've had turned your phone off already.

**Rin****: **What a pain, try as you may dolphin boy, it's a private matter. I don't go interrogating you for your secrets.

**Mackerel****: **When I was in third grade, my first kiss was stolen by a dolphin during a school fieldtrip.

**Nagisa****: **Aw, that's so cute~

**Rin****: **I'm serious. I'm done talking about it so drop it Haru.

**Mackerel****: **I'm serious too.

**Nagisa****: **Yeah Rinrin, everybody's worried about you, even Rei!

**555-261-2317****: **Am not!

**Nagisa****:** Ha! Found you Rei!

**Makoto****: **I agree.

**Nagisa**: Oops! That wasn't you, was it? At old park, guy looks real pissed.

**555-261-2317**: Do you need help?

**Nagisa**: He's asking me for money, I don't have any~ save me!

**555-261-2317**: I'm on my way.

**Gou****: **Yeah, I don't see you often and you're always by yourself.

**555-261-2317****: **Are you blind? That guy looks nothing like me! He has brown hair and teal eyes! And he's super muscular!And not in the beautiful way! Where did you go now?!

**Nagisa****: **You guys were wearing the same jacket. My bad~ I'm at home. I jumped the fences.

**555-261-2317**: I am NEVER walking you home again.

**Nagisa**: Aw~ Don't say that Rei! What if something bad happens to me?! M sorry!

**Mackere**l: You two need to untag us. It's getting annoying.

**Makoto**: Haru! Don't be rude! But yeah, we are having a serious conversation.

**Mackerel**: Sorry, but true.

**Nagisa**: Sorry

**555-261-2312**: Sorry, thought I did.

**Rin****: **How would you feel revealing your deepest secret to all your friends? You don't do, it do you?

**Gou****: **Rin already knows this. But in middle school, my boyfriend at the time was thin, one of those J-pop idol looking guys. One day in a date downtown, we were cornered by some muggers and they kept harassing me sexually. My 'boyfriend' tried to stop them but was beaten easily and ran away. Luckily Rin who was following us in secret had jumped in and beat up the muggers before they could do anything. From then on…I loved strong men. That's why I think muscles are important.

**Rin****: **Gou! Why are you telling them that?

**Gou****: **Because they're my friends!

**Makoto****: **At one point, my father was physically abusive due to his alcoholism.

**Mackerel****: **Oi Makoto! You didn't have to tell them about that!

**Rin****: **Makoto please, you don't have to tell me about it. I get it.

**Makoto****: **I want to, if it makes Rin-chan realize that we all are here for him. I was beaten for the majority of my childhood, and I have a scar on the back of my head from a bottle that he shattered on my head, it wasn't until I was sent to the hospital that he realized his violence and went to rehab. We made up and I forgave him.

**Nagisa****: **I don't have any tragedy like that or any scary events, but I killed my twin in the womb, my mom still has celebrates his birthday with mine, which is why I don't really celebrate it with family anymore, it makes it sad

**555-261-2317****: **Same here, no sob story, but I was rejected by everyone I have ever confessed to thus far.

**Mackerel****: **My parents decided to leave me behind because I told them that I was gay. They said to either become straight or find my own house. My grandmother is paying for the house they moved out of, since she lives too far away in Hokkaido for me to move to. I work as a lifeguard in the next town over. Time for yours Rin, these are all painful secrets.

"**Should I tell them?" I mused aloud, they just…they told me their deepest most hurtful memories, am I going to let that go in vain?**

**Rin****: **Iwas diagnosed with a neural anomaly back in Australia. I will lose all control of my body from the neck down. I will be a vegetable for the rest of my life_

**I heard some rustling in the bed above me and stopped then continued.**

I will be moving into my friend's house, he lives in Tokyo. And he promised to help me pass when I become too much of a burden.

**I was about to send when my mind stopped me. **

"**No." I exhaled sharply and pressed he delete button.**

_**This far…I had gone this far. I know I'm hurting them by hiding it, but it far less pain then telling them. I really am sorry**__**you guys, I just selfish like that. I deleted some words and left it a half truths:**_

I'm moving into my friend's house soon, he lives in Tokyo.

**Mackerel****: **When?

**Rin****: **My 21st or 22nd birthday

**Makoto****: **That's 3 years!

**Rin****: **It may be sooner it depends. If you know what's good for you, you won't push any further.

**Gou****: **I was never told this!

**Rin****: **There's a lot you don't know Gou.

**Gou****: **It's Kou!

**Makoto****: **Thank you Rin for telling us.

**And there were no other messages. Except for Haru.**

**Mackerel****: **I'm not convinced. I've never pegged you for a coward, now I see that I was wrong.

**Rin****: **What do you want from me?

**Mackerel****: **The truth.

**I was going to put 'you can't handle the truth' but I deleted that as well…he needed to know that I wasn't ever planning on telling him and that this wasn't a joke.**

**Rin:** I wish I could tell you, but I won't. Its better this way, trust me and stop asking.

**Mackerel:** You're scaring me Rin.

**Rin:** Good, I'm scared too.

**Mackerel:** I'm done with this back and forth, you tell me to go away and then you tell me something that makes me worry. Which is it? Do you want our help or not? I expect you to be clear this time Rin, no more dicking around.

**Rin:** I'd give anything for help, but I can't there's nothing you or anyone can do. If you try to help me you'll get hurt, I don't want that, I don't want you to leave, but I don't want you guys around when it happens. I want to be with you guys, but when that time comes…I want you guys to go away. Clear enough for you?

**Mackerel:** Yeah, you're not going to tell me. When EVERYONE told you theirs!

**Rin:** Yes! I'm selfish alright! I don't want to hurt like thiyou know what?! WHATEVER! Leave or whatever! I don't care anymore.

**My temper was getting the best of me…I didn't mean it…I meant none of this. Deep down, I know I want them to be there with me at my bedside. But my pride and my previous experience wouldn't allow them to become depressed with me or treat me any differently.**

**Mackerel: **A part of me asks if you ever did.

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><p><strong>I snapped my phone shut and pulled the battery out and practically threw the battery across the room.<strong>

**I was trembling, stop, stop, stop, stop, I felt myself draw closer to the dark water that is my panic attacks. I am a grown man…I shouldn't be having these anymore!**

"**DAMN IT! NOT NOW!" I covered my ears. I had to slow my breathing and my heart. They were too fast. I can't. I felt tears leak from my eyes. Everything else was blocked out by the drumming of my heart and sharp breaths.**

_**I'm scared. I'm scared.**_

"**Senpai!"I heard Nitori started climbing down from his bed.**

"**DON'T! Don't come any closer! You'll only make it worse!" I remember the first time I had an attack it was in middle school, a school mate of mine in Australia had tried to console me, but it made it worse, just him being there comforting me, soothing me, made me even worse. His words to me were false…sweet nothings… lies. And I snapped and yelled at how he was a liar and that there was nothing he or anyone could do about it and to leave me alone. I don't want that…not for Nitori…or anyone else. **

**Not only was I ashamed the next day, but he had become my friend and listened to my problems. I told him about my condition, he seemed like he understood me, he had my back and then…he was diagnosed with leukemia. At first he was steadfast in his God, his God would save him, and he kept telling me that we were the same and that he understood my pain and fear, he seemed to be the cure to my fear. But as I told him of my attacks and my fears, I was drowning him, and I didn't even know it. **

**We were like two people out in the sea, he had come over with the life boat to try to save me, and then I pulled him in with me and we were both drowning. He took my fears and made them his own, he had panic attacks as well, and slowly I watched as he sunk further than I had. And that was it, as I reached for alleviation of my fears, I caused someone else to think like me, he had abandoned his god and spent his last days in absolute fear. I felt terrible, and as his mother shouted at me repeatedly as she ran me out the memorial service 'I had broken him and it was my fault'. I can't deny it…it was.**

**I faintly heard Nitori's voice over my full blown hyperventilation, I kept covering my ears and shaking my head.**

**I need something to get my mind off this, I shook my head in my hands, when I heart a sharp sound of solid objects clashing, my jacket zipper…and the key to the pool that Mikoshiba-senpai gave me.**

**I'll go swim. I practically ran into the pool and I swam laps until I lost count, lost thought, lost consciousness, and lost memory of getting out of the pool…because apparently I didn't.**

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><p>"<strong>Matsuoka-senpai…this sounds bad." Nitori jumped from the bed and assembled his senpai's phone and turned it on. He needed to tell someone. He wrote down all of the Iwatobi's members contact numbers on the piece of paper that held his senpai's secret on it, at least part of it, his rustling had caught his senpai's attention mid text.<strong>

**In all actuality he could've looked to see the message himself, but he respected his senpai enough that he wouldn't pry, at least not personally. Because he felt it in his gut that he left it alone, things would be worse off. **

**He then disassembled the phone again and placed them where they were. Crawling back into bed, in case his senpai was coming back. He sent a mass text.**

**Nitori****: **Hello, this is very important regarding Rin Matsuoka, if you would all please send me what kind of text system you have. Numberal or character keys?

**Makoto****: **Um…my text has only the characters on it. If I may ask who is this?

**Nagisa****: **Same here.

**Haruka****: **Numbers. Why? Who is this?

**Rei****: **I believe only older versions still have numerical keys for text, mine is new so it does not contain such unbeautiful text method.

"**Thank goodness." He exhaled.**

**Nitori****: **Is it automatic or do you have to repeatedly press the keys to reach the letters?

**Haruka****: **I have to press the numbers until I reach the letter, yeah.

**Nitori****: **444-927777-34442466/666777733/3-944484-2-66338877725-266/666/6555/5559999* 444-9444555/555-555666777733-2555/555-222666/668777666555-666333-6999-226663999* 444-9444555/555-2233222666/63-2-8883343382/2255533* _

4433-7/777666/6444777733/3-8666-44335557-633-727777/7777-9443366-444-2233222666/6-8666/666-68822244-666333-2-22887773/3366* I am sorry, I could not get all of it but this is apart of Rin's message, that he soon after deleted. I believe this to be important because I think he may be endangering himself. Please enter the numbers and reveal the message the * are periods and the / are pauses between letters. If it does not work then contact me at this number and I shall try to get the actual message for you. But if possible, I do not want to see what it is. That is for Rin to tell me.

**Haruka****:** Then why tell me, when you believe Rin should tell you himself?

**Nitori****:** Because even if I knew, I wouldn't be able to save him or do anything for him. I am not that close, I do not want to ruin what little trust we have with each other.

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><p><strong>Haru placed the towel on his head reading the text from some stranger. Did he really want to know? After all this is what Rin was keeping away from us so badly.<strong>

**Haru got up and walked back to the bathroom and sat back in the water.**

**It held him with its lukewarm embrace, it made him comforted and calm. A lot of the times it reminded him of Makoto, still water…the pool…these were my everyday water….it was like Makoto, he is gentle, gives me calm, and is always there when I need him and most of all safe. It occurred to me that I should like Makoto, I do kind of, we were obviously more than friends. But I don't think Makoto likes me back. And Rin…I told Rin I liked him like water, if I told Makoto that, he'd understand immediately what that meant, but Rin…I think he likes me too, but believes that he shouldn't be loved, and is making it harder to do so.**

**Rin…is like the ocean…that is how I would describe Rin. Beautiful and rough, he can be calm, but rage and in both he is equally beautiful and equally complex. He is endless, yet I don't see him very often…if I could I'd live in the ocean, but I can't. And today…the ocean was particularly salty…about some secret he is holding.**

**And I was holding the answer to helping him…knowing wouldn't be that bad, would it? I can always act like I don't know…**

**I got of the tub…and took some paper and wrote down the numbers and slowly typed them in.**

_I was diagnosed with a neural anomaly back in Australia. I will lose all control of my body from the neck down. I will be a vegetable for the rest of my life._

**Rin's…sick? He…isn't going to be able to swim? W-what the hell is this? And he thought keeping this to himself is alright?! **

**I stalked back and sat back into the water, it's embrace not helping me any. I couldn't sort out my feelings, was I mad or sad? Both probably, but I didn't know what to do. I quickly typed in the rest of his message and almost dropped my phone.**

He promised to help me pass when I become too much of a burden.

**A burden?! A BURDEN?! Goddamn it! That is exactly like Rin to think that way! Like hell he'd be a burden, and who would help him pass?! His friend in Tokyo. I wasn't a violent person, but I felt like beating him so badly right now. How could he throw away his life like that?! And tuck himself away so we can't say goodbye or even know that he's in pain?! You're so damn self destructive! So damn selfish! I can't sit around and let you do this to yourself.**

**I wanted to punch him and I wanted to hold him, this was too….no…just…no! **

"**Water, what should I do?" I asked, when there was no one to talk to…I consult the water. But this wasn't going to cut it, I wanted to tell Makoto, but first I have to hear why he would hide something like this? I knew Rin was broken up about something, and I thought it was a struggle between what he wanted and his dream, with this in the picture…there has to be more. He can't keep this to himself, it'll tear him apart. If he's hurting this much now…who knows what'll happen later. No.**

**I got out the tub and slipped on my house shoes and ran.**

**Rin Masutoka you are not leaving ever again!**

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><p><strong>I ain't even gonna lie when I wrote 'commit suicide' I wanted to replace it with 'commit swimpukku'. It's a serious issue, I know, but I just watched 50% off and it is lingering everywhere.<strong>

**Anwho~ Questions? Comments? Flames? Corrections? Randomness? Requests? I take them all, so review please~**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey you guys! I know this seems short but I've been really strapped for time lately, so here's the next chap. If you guys have any suggestions, I could use some ideas. I have an idea of what where I'm taking this, but some suggestions or something you wanna see (fanservice) like things, let me know, n I'll work it in. Thank you for your kind reviews! Let me know what you think, it really does help my writing and gets me motivated.**

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><p><em>"You're the reason_"<em>

"_Shut up!" I yelled._

"_I understand now! I found the answer! Why it is I swim! Who I'm swimming for!"_

"_I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!"I tried to silence him by punching him, maybe he'll get the message. But he blocked it._

Please don't say it, please. I beg you. I don't want to cry in front of you! I don't want to hurt you anymore! This is my problem! Why can't you leave me alone? Why does he keep following me?! Why?! This was always a one sided thing! So why are you here right now? You're always so calm, so what's up with that face?

Why is it that you always find me?

"_This tree looks like the cherry blossom tree that was in the school yard."_

He understands me…that much I knew, but why would you go through all this? I've pushed you always so many times, Makoto didn't follow me, Nagisa didn't, so why are you here?! WHY?!

"_**Because I might like you."**_

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><p>My eyes opened, I almost swam right into the wall. I should've grabbed my googles before I left.<p>

I stopped kicking and flipped over, starring at the blurry lights on the waters surface.

Geez, Haru…when did I fall in love with that bastard? I dunno really, at first he was someone I admired, someone that could give me a challenge, but then we became friends and then I got to know him on a personal level. He was awkward, he didn't speak much and he didn't get excited for anything except for water. He was wierd but I realized that made me pull closer to him, my drive to see him smile or even laugh turned to me paying more attention to him. But nah that isn't when I started liking him, well yeah, sure I liked him but just as a friend.

I think it was when I was in Australia…I wrote him a lot of email. And he gave me short responses so eventually I stopped thinking I was bothering him.

After all that drama with me being ran out of my schoolmate's memorial, I checked my email and found Haru had spammed me with emails.

_What are you doing?_

_Why haven't you answered?_

_Really Rin? Why are you ignoring me?_

_Fine, ignore me._

_Did I do something wrong? Makoto said people want more than one sentence answers, You don't really need that, right?_

_Is everything okay over there?_

He was my vent buddy, even though he literally answered 'yes' or 'no' or 'maybe' or 'I dunno' or 'sure' or 'that's cool' or 'that sucks'. It was enough for me.

I told him that a schoolmate of mine got leukemia and died. And he asked me:

_What else happened?_

If it was to anyone else I'm sure they would think he was being insensitive, but I knew he was concerned for me, knowing that I wanted to talk more about it.

I spilled my guts to him without revealing that I was sick. And even though he did not answer I knew that he read it. And it made me feel not alone. Haru…even though no one else knew about it, helped me through the hardest part of my life.

Just seeing him again…really had it click for me. This admiration, this wanting to see him, this comfort he gave me, no one else could that. No matter how much I imagined Makoto or even Nagisa, giving me advice. I have a feeling that they would've gave me sympathy and I don't need that. Haru doesn't lie to me, he doesn't do sweet words, or sugar coating. He grounds me.

Shit. I haven't surfaced for what a whole 2 minutes now. I'm going to lose consciousness if I keep on. I think I'm alright…for now.

I grabbed the pools edge and tried to pull myself out…I couldn't. I over did it with swimming laps, I can't get out…damn this is stupid.

I just rested my head on the edge and waited to recover.

"MATSUOKA-SENPAI!" Aw, damn…what is it now?

"What is it, Nitori?" I asked.

"It's Nanase-san!" He yelled, my heart dropped, did something happen to Haru?

Calm down, Rin…this is Haru, he should be okay.

"Don't run. It's wet in this area." I warned him as he made his way to me. "What about Haru?"

"He's here! He's been standing outside staring at the room for like 5 minutes!" He freaked out.

"That idiot…the campus security hasn't got him yet?" I exhaled. "Why is your face red?"

"I just ran! And…Nanase-san is in nothing but his swim suit and house slippers."

"Idiot!" I fought through the pain and got out the pool, and followed Nitori.

And there he was standing under a lamppost of all places, who even told him which room was mine?

"Haru! What the hell are you doing here? It's fucking freezing and you could get caught!" I whispered/yell, I didn't want to alert security. We have a strict curfew. "Here." I held out my jacket for him but he didn't even look at it, he kept staring at me.

"We need to talk." His eyes bore into mine, he looked pissed, I doubt anyone who didn't know notice.

"Yeah, yeah. Hurry up and come inside." I threw on my jacket and led him to my dorm.

He kept glaring at me, I wonder if I did anything wrong?

We entered our room, I sat on the bottom bunk with Nitori and Haru took a seat across from us. He was radiating a passive aggressive vibe while he kept is usual neutral face.

"U-um! I-I have to see Sato-san for something! Take your time." Nitori stood after 2 whole minutes of Haru staring at me and me staring back. As soon as the door shut, I felt a fist connect with my face.

My head hit the wall when I fell back on the bed, I jumped up immediately to hit that brat back.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" I balled up my fist to hit him back but he stood finally.

"If I were to have gotten hit by a car, would you help me? Come see me at the hospital? Cry for me? Care for me? "

"Uh…yeah? Wai_don't change the subject! Why'd you hit me?" I pushed him, he staggered into the desk but he continued.

"What if I told you to stay away from me? What would you do then?' Now taking steps toward me, now having me back up.

"Depends…why?" I raised a brow…where is this going?

"I don't want your sympathy and I don't want to make you sad." His voice had an edge to it now.

"I'd stay away."

"Really? I would've died or killed myself, are you telling me you wouldn't be there as I laid dying? Or stop me from pulling the trigger?" He stopped stepping forward.

"If that's what you want, is that wrong?" I asked.

"Rin, you're my friend." He stated.

"Yeah, I know. That's why I'd understand and leave you alone if that's what you wanted." If only you'd do that for me…

Just then he reached out and slapped me.

"That's for Makoto." He tried to slap me again but I caught his hand, and he used his other.

"That's for Nagisa." And he continued. "For Rei. For that freshman that follows you everywhere!" I finally had enough and caught his other hand. "AND THIS IS FOR ME." He head butted me.

I held my head, damn that fucking hurt! Why is he getting so upset about?!

"Now, I'm going to ask you one more question. I won't let you run away from this one. It's yes or no…Do you love me?" My heart felt heavy.

"N-no, who would love someone who hits them! I like you only as a friend, if I could even call you that!" My cheeks started to become swollen after all those slaps.

"Hm. That's what I thought." He closed his eyes as if relieved, is that why he was so upset?! Because he knew I love him? He must've been disgusted. I knew how this would turn out, so why does it hurt so much?

I couldn't even look at him, so I looked off to the side. I did this to myself, it's my fault that I hurt this much. I loved him, it's my fault.

I felt something warm on my cheek, it was a bit rough, and as weird as it sounded it started to smell strongly of bath water, I turned to come nose to nose with Haru. H-He kissed my cheek!

"W-what was that for? I just told you I didn't love you." I backed up.

"I overdid it. It's swelling…oh it's turning red now." No, shit Sherlock! You kissed me, how could I not blu_ He pressed his fingers to the cheek he just kissed. "I'm not sorry." He got up and looked out the window.

"Well thanks." I rolled my eyes, I heard from Makoto that Haru can get a bit psycho from being holed up inside his mind, but this was crazy. I thought he was exaggerating.

"Okay…so I'm going to jump out this window now." What the hell is he doing now?!

He put one leg out the window and then the second. He's kidding, right. He sat on the window sill. I stood quickly about to stop him but he put his hand out. "Don't stop me. This is what I want." He turned back to look at the sky, and I watched as he slid off the window sill. Stop…he's not stopping…STOP!

I ran and pulled him back inside, both of us making a huge crash as we hit the floor, damn someone's gonna complain.

"What the fucks the matter with you?! Jesus! Haru!" I turned over and smacked his head before he could get up.

"You saved me, why? You don't love me and you just questioned our friendship status." He rubbed his head and stood, he's such a child!

"Because! Because! I still care for you, idiot!" I yelled.

"That is all I needed. I won't ask now. But know that I know. Expect me to return the favor." He stood and headed for the door. Oh no, you don't not without explaining, I caught his sleeve.

"Know what?! What was all this for? Damn it, I'm tired of all this cryptic talk, if you have something to say to me say it!"

"You saved me from jumping. I'm going to save you from jumping, pulling the trigger, running away. I'm going to be there at your bedside, I'm going to cry for you, and care for you."

"H-how? Who told you?!" He can't be talking about me being sick, is he?

"Does it matter?"

"It does! I don't want any of that!" I yelled, damn him, what is he trying to do?!

"Rin, I know you better than anyone else. Everything you just said was a lie or a twisted version of the truth. I'm going to walk away now, but know I'm mad you didn't tell me." He left so casually, how? Why'd this did this happen? Everything that I tried to hide from him, he knows.

I was too shocked to cry, not only did he know I was sick, but he knows I love him! And he felt relieved when I told him I didn't! Wait…hold on. He knew I was lying the whole time! Does that mean he was relieved that I was lying?!

"Um…senpai. I asked our neighbors and the rooms downstairs to ignore any sounds. Is everything okay?" Nitori stuck his head in the door.

_Is_ everything going to be okay? Haru will probably tell Makoto. I don't want to see their faces filled with pity. Haru was pissed today, will he treat me differently tomorrow? I hate that I have to sit and wait to see where this all goes. I just closed my eyes.

"I don't know. I really don't."

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><p><strong>Tehe, Haru was slapping Rin around in nothing but his swimsuit and his house slippers. As Haru would say "I'm not sorry."<strong>

**Reviews would be nice, yes~?**


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